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The debate and Syria


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Debate Ends Abruptly as Obama Punches Romney in Face

  • The Borowitz Report
October 22, 2012
Posted by
obama-debate-233.jpgBOCA RATON (The Borowitz Report)—The third and final Presidential debate ended in dramatic fashion tonight as President Obama punched Republican nominee Mitt Romney in the face, knocking him unconscious before a national television audience.

As Mr. Romney lay motionless on the floor at Lynn University with 35:06 remaining in regulation, moderator Bob Schieffer declared the debate over, calling Mr. Obama’s punch “a clean shot.”

The President’s uncharacteristic explosion of anger came after Mr. Romney repeatedly needled him about going on a global “apology tour” on behalf of the U.S.

As the former Massachusetts Governor continued his harangue, TV viewers witnessed Mr. Obama glaring at his Republican opponent, a vein visibly throbbing on the President’s forehead.

Still, few observers were prepared for the sight of Mr. Obama leaping across the table and cold-cocking Mr. Romney, dropping him to the floor.

Moments later, Vice-President Joe Biden jumped onstage to congratulate Mr. Obama with a jubilant high-five.

“You literally cleaned his clock,” Mr. Biden said. “I only wish I’d done the same thing to that punk Ryan.”

After the debate, the usually mild-mannered Obama was at pains to explain why exactly he had struck Mr. Romney in the face: “I guess I just couldn’t take it any more, and I sort of snapped. It wasn’t optimal. But he was being such a dick.”

Minutes after Mr. Romney was carried out on a stretcher, the debate was declared a victory for Mr. Obama by all the major networks except Fox News, who called it a draw.

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Photo by Jewel Samad/AFP

President Barack Obama Jokes and One Liners at Al Smith Dinner with Mitt Romney

[youtube http://youtu.be/jtzKXw-aZ7M?]

Mitt Romney, Barack Obama to trade jabs at Al Smith dinner

The two presidential candidates took a break from the caustic criticism of the campaign trail to score political points with biting humor last night in New York City.

President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney peeled off the stump Thursday to attend the annual Al Smith Dinner at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel. During presidential election years, the event brings the candidates to the same stage to trade barbs and self-deprecating zingers as the race enter its final weeks.

The white-tie affair raises millions for the Gov. Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation and is organized by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York to benefit needy children.

More than 1,600 were scheduled to attend the dinner. The menu includes poached lobster tail and dark chocolate tropical fruit cadeau. Tickets start at $2,500.

The diocese hopes to raise $5 million in grants this year. Last year it gave out $2 million in grants.

President Barack Obama also taped an episode of Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show” while he’s in Manhattan. The show aired late yesterday.

Comedy Central host Jon Stewart pressed Obama over the government’s changing explanation about the Sept. 11 attacks in Benghazi, Libya, according to the Associated Press. When Stewart suggested that even Obama would concede his administration’s coordination and communication had not been “optimal,” Obama said: “If four Americans get killed, it’s not optimal. We’re going to fix it. All of it.”

Romney has questioned Obama’s handling of the matter and his honesty about it to voters. On “The Daily Show,” Obama insisted information was shared with the American people as it came in, the AP said. The attack is under investigation, he said, and “the picture eventually gets filled in.”

Last night’s Smith dinner fell two days after Obama and Romney exchanged heated jabs during their second presidential debate at Hofstra University. After what many observers thought was an inspired performance by Romney, and a lackluster one by the president, in Denver during the first debate, campaign watchers gave the edge to Obama after Tuesday night.

The latest polling shows the race as virtually tied.

This year’s event also come during the same year as New York’s Cardinal Timothy Dolan has clashed with the president over a federal mandate that insurance cover the cost of contraception for church affiliated institutions, like Catholic colleges and hospitals.

The mandate is part of the president’s health care reform law known as the Affordable Care Act.

More than a dozen archdioceses from around the country have filed lawsuits claiming the contraception mandate would require church leaders to violate religious beliefs to implement the law.

In March during a speech at Holy Trinity Diocesan High School in Hicksville, Dolan called the mandate a “government intrusion into the church.”

The Al Smith Dinner has been a necessary stop for politicians since World War II. The event is named for the unsuccessful Democratic presidential nominee in 1928, who was the first Catholic to run for president. Smith was a four-term governor of New York.

Romney Apologizes To Nation’s 150 Million ‘Starving, Filthy Beggars’

SEPTEMBER 18, 2012 | ISSUE 48•38 | MORE NEWS

SALT LAKE CITY—Seeking to limit the fallout from a videotaped speech in which he asserts 47 percent of Americans “pay no taxes” and do not take “personal responsibility and care for their lives,” Mitt Romney hastily called a press conference today to apologize personally to the “150 million starving, filthy beggars [he] might have offended.”

Saying that he deeply regretted his choice of words at a private $50,000-a-plate fundraising function in May—during which he argued “[his] job is not to worry” about the lower-earning half of the nation’s populace—Romney personally appealed to the country’s “dirt-caked garbage pickers and toothless street urchins” for forgiveness.

“First and foremost, I would like to offer a heartfelt apology to all the whores, junkies, bums, and grime-covered derelicts out there who make up nearly half our nation,” a visibly contrite and solemn Romney said outside a campaign stop at a local high school. “Let me assure you that I in no way meant to offend any of the putrid-smelling, barefoot masses out there. My campaign is not about dividing this nation, but about bringing all sides together—the rich, elegant members of the upper class, as well as the 47 percent who are covered in flies and eat directly from back-alley dumpsters.”

“I am fully committed to building a better future for every American,” Romney continued, “and that means ensuring all 150 million grease-and-urine-soaked members of our society get a fair shake.”

The Romney campaign reportedly scrambled into damage-control mode after the video leaked Monday, issuing a statement late last night stating that the intended target of Romney’s remarks was ingrained big-government largesse, not the “hordes of uneducated, loathsome scum who unfortunately populate this country.”

However, with Romney’s comments continuing to dominate the news cycle today, the campaign opted to convene a press event to allow Romney to speak directly to the nation’s “grimy panhandlers and coke-addled whores” so that he could issue an apology and explain his familiarity with their struggles.

“I know just how hard it must be to get through a miserable, destitute life that is rife with crying babies whose shrieks consistently disrupt the affluent members of society who actually contribute something to this world,” said the GOP candidate, adding that he wanted to make amends for his recent statements and reach out to what he called the country’s “snaggle-toothed street people” and “hell-spawned savages.” “I know it can be challenging to wake each morning, covered in your own feces and refuse, and get back out there on the streets to beg for spare change and food scraps, always one step from dying right there in an alley.”

“I know your challenges, and I am ready to fight for you,” he added

Romney also said he recognized that the hardships of the nation’s low-earners are made more difficult by the fact that so “very, very many of them are drug-addicted, high-school-dropout single mothers and fathers who sleep in gutters while sewer rats nibble at their necrotic flesh.”

In an effort to right his campaign and rebuild his image, Romney promised to bring his message of compassion and economic opportunity to the “ramshackle, mud-floored huts” in which half of all U.S. residents live.

“Let me make this absolutely clear: I have the utmost respect for all of the filth-encrusted, lesion-covered degenerates of this nation,” Romney said. “In the coming weeks, I look forward to meeting real Americans in their squalid, roach-infested hellholes in every corner of this country. I promise to stand up for every one of you, even the 47 percent of you huddled together for warmth, fighting your own family members for moldy crusts of bread as you wallow in your own excrement.”

Added Romney, “And I look forward to serving you as your next president.”

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