June 5, 2010 · 2 Comments
1. Guns ablazing, the MV Rachel Corrie sunk 3 Israeli commando boats today about 35 miles off the coast of the Gaza Strip. In addition, female passengers on board the ship and wearing tennis shoes fired RPG’s from the ship’s main deck downing “at least” 2 Israeli drones of the sort Israel will be selling to Turkey later this year. It is thought that the drones were carrying “Peace Now” leaflets asking the Rachel Corrie to “please go back to Dundalk.” FreeGazaandkillallthejews.org spokesperson, Usama bin Hiding, hailed this event as a “sea change” in pacifist attitudes towards Israel noting “It’s about fucking time we gave these sons of bitches a taste of their own medicine.”
While initial reports that the warship Rachel Corrie had killed 666 Israelis appear exaggerated, HaHa Aretz today said the IGF (Israeli Genocidal Forces) believe that the Irish ship, a ship that used to just haul ale and scotch between Scotland and Ireland but was refitted as a war ship by Islamic fanatics under the direction of Huwaida Arraf, Adam Shapiro, Greta Berlin and Hanin Zoabi – who are known collectively as the “Jama’at al-Araba’ah” in Arabic (ask King Abdallah what it means, but I digress) – anyway , the IGF believe that the ship is fitted with nuclear tipped missiles that were stolen from South Africa when the racist apartheid regime fell what seems like eons ago.
Arraf, appearing in an al-Sahab video dressed like Adam Gadahn in an outfit that makes her look fat, would neither confirm nor deny whether or not the MV Rachel Corrie was carrying nuclear weapons. “We have a policy of nuclear ambiguity” she said, adding that “we will not be the first ones in the Middle East to use nukes against Israel.”
In Washington, err, actually in Chicago, speaking in front of his vacation get-away known as “Man’s Country,” Barack Obama said that he is appointing a committee of “independent investigators” from CAIR and the Holy Land Foundation to look into the facts of the situation, adding “If it turns out that the Israelis provoked the Rachel Corrie with bagels, lochs and gefilte fish, then the US will provide the Irish vessel with a nuclear umbrella and will impose crippling sanctions on Israel.”
Senate Majority Leader, Nihad Awad, (al-Qa’ida, New York) expressed “shock and awe” that the Israelis would engage in ‘naked provocations’ of this sort.” He added, while finishing a hand-crafted biological weapon in his home, that “only the Jews would have the audacity to provoke such a confrontation and they got what they deserved, for once.”
In the meantime, the servers at Amy Goodman’s award winning program “Democracy Now, Motherfuckers!” which is is funded in part by Iran, have crashed due to “unprecedented demands” made by viewers world wide who were all trying to download her latest program featuring a debate between Nobel Peace Prize winner and holocaust survivor Alan Derwoshitz on the one hand, and former IRA military strategist Norman Finkelstein on the other. The debate ended when Finkelstein, clearly having had it up to his eyeballs listening to Derwoshitz’s bitching and moaning about how Israeli hummus is superior to Hizbullah Hummus ™, got out of his chair, picked up Derwoshitz and threw him out of the (conveniently open) window in “Democracy Now, Motherfuckers!” second floor Firehouse studio. Ms. Goodman laughed so hard she had to be taken to a nearby hospital, Dar al-Harb, for an emergency hernia operation.
(Sadly, Derwoshitz landed on the street in the bicycle lane and was run over by dozen’s of bicycles. His final fate remains unkown)
The latest information we have is that the MV Rachel Corrie is headed full speed toward Gaza escorted by Turkish warplanes. Please stay tuned to Mantiq al-Tayr for further updates.