From the Borowitz report
‘Happiest Night of My Life,’ Says Mac’

Presumptive G.O.P. nominee John McCain appeared at a mammoth rally in Philadelphia last night to celebrate the results of the Pennsylvania primary, calling the contest “a huge victory for me and my campaign.”

A jubilant Sen. McCain said that as the results poured in, “It became abundantly clear that the people of Pennsylvania want to send the Republicans back to the White House for another four years.”

Overjoyed McCain supporters packed the ballroom at the Philadelphia Hyatt to help their candidate celebrate what he called “the happiest night of my life.”

“My friends, tonight the people of Pennsylvania have delivered the White House to me on a silver platter,” he said, his eyes glistening. “This is the best thing to happen to me since I married a beer heiress.”

At a campaign rally of her own, Sen. Hillary Clinton also savored the results of the primary, declaring that she was “one step closer to getting my hands on a nuclear bomb.”

Turning towards her husband, former President Bill Clinton, she said, “I hope that my having a nuclear arsenal at my command will make you think twice before you do anything foolish this time.”

Blood visibly draining from the former president’s face, Sen. Clinton glared at him sternly, adding, “I’m not kidding.”

In an effort to clarify Sen. Clinton’s remarks, aides later denied that she had threatened her husband with obliteration.

Elsewhere, Sen. Barack Obama agreed to a televised debate on CBS moderated by Katie Couric, saying, “If I make a gaffe, at least no one will be watching.”